All Is Full Of Love

[all around you]

I get so lonely, I forget what I'm worth
Björk: Forgive This Tribe
analog_boyx
Some things:

  • I haven't worked in a week because of all the rain (the course is now basically flooded after 3 days of rain and they let out the dam) and Dinklenuts (my dad and I enjoy calling him this way too much) cancelled all our shifts. So I have so much time on my hands. Don't know what to do with myself besides watch shows and stuff.

  • Right now I'm watching Crazyhead and Girlboss. Girlboss is interesting because the main character is kind of annoying and entitled, similar to my early feelings towards Hannah from Girls, but she has her endearing moments too. I also really like all the supporting/minor characters. Crazyhead is super funny and randomly reminds me of iZombie, but less campy? I don't know. But British television is incredible. That also reminds me that I should continue watching iZombie, I think I left off early season 2. I'm also watching the new season of Fargo, it's interesting so far, I have many questions.

  • I've been listening to Post Malone the last couple days, Congratulations, Deja Vu and White Iverson are so freaking catchy.

  • I posted a nice selfie on facebook and that made me feel better, I just happened to still have make-up on after getting pictures done with my family at the church yesterday and took a few pics. Sometimes I need a little validation from people, and I forget how powerful posting selfies can be. I will never be someone who posts constant selfies, that's not me anymore. But once in a while it is nice to put myself out there, as a part of self love.

  • This afternoon I made this orange chai spice loaf, which is delicious. My parents love it. And I had a homemade veggie burger for lunch. They were pretty good for my first attempt, they're a black bean/chickpea mix with lots of spices and onion and quinoa flour and panko and shit.

  • I've been doing a lot of looking at flights and trips and all these things that make me really sad that I have no one to do things with, and I do not have the confidence to do them by myself. Like more than anything I just want a travel companion, who is equally as unattached/forever single, and as financially responsible/comfortable as I am. Bahaha. Is there somewhere where I can find that?

Anywho... I'm probably just going to watch shows and go to bed early. 'Cause I'm having a ragin' Saturday.

Don't fool yourself in thinking you're more than you are
Björk: Forgive This Tribe
analog_boyx
I feel like all I get asked these days is what next, what are you up to now... shit like that.
And I reply with smiley, fake bullshit about still working at the course, with mostly optimistic pretending that I'm going to find a different job. And just generally a lot of bullshit.

I feel like all I see from other people is how great and successful they are now, and all they've accomplished and all the places they've been or all the stories they have at the vary least. And the families that they've created.

And I start thinking about how my biggest accomplishment has been somehow not killing myself yet.
Like it's a miracle.

Lately I've been on my toes
Björk: Forgive This Tribe
analog_boyx
PASSED!!
Fuckin' eh, man!
With a C+, better than I expected. My essay must have had a pretty decent mark. Or just in general, she's an easy marker (I had no idea going into it haha)

I'm deliriously happy.
No more York.
No more class.
No more tests/essays.
Ahhhhhhhhh

I suppose now I'm just waiting on my final audit of my transcript to confirm that I'm able to graduate. But I know that I am.
I only needed a 4.0 GPA, and after these classes I'm pretty sure I maintained the 4.7 that I had going into this year.
Happy to be below average haha, and barely graduating.

Now... I have no idea what to do with my life.
I guess just work, make money, stay alive, not give up, try to be happy and have fun. Eventually also, I need to grow up and figure out how to adult. But maybe that is more of a autumn project... haha.
Fuck it.

I'm pumped to have most of this week off. To get my life together, post school. Lots of cleaning and laundry to do.
Then, I'm going to a show in London with Jenn and Simon on Friday.
Then, Saturday, there will be big celebrations and drunkenness with the gang.

Byeeeeee

You've got to live and learn, before your bridges burn
Björk: Forgive This Tribe
analog_boyx
Bonjour. Comment ca va? (I can't figure out how to get the accent haha)

I started an online French 'course'. It's not really a course, it just helps you learn and memorise, and for me it just helps me brush up on vocab and verbs. So that occupies some of my time productively. I'm also thinking about doing an online accounting or business course this summer. Maybe.

I got a B+ on my energy course which is bomdiggity. I got an 86% on my final paper even though it was 3 days late (she must not have given me the late penalty). Super happy! Still desperately waiting on my other mark, think it should be in by the end of this week, maybe early next week, ughhhh, the suspense as to whether I get to graduate is driving me crazy. So I've been distracting myself, or trying to.

I've had this 90s song, Live and Learn by Joe Public, stuck in my head all week. It's kinda great.

I've been catching up on all my shows, and it was used on the tv show Making History, which I actually really like. Adam Pally and Leighton Meester are funny together.

More shows:
Bellevue, which is so good, I'm a few eps behind though. CBC is seriously upping its game.
Schitt's Creek, another homerun for CBC, season 3 was great. The whole Daniel/Patrick thing was so good, I can't wait for season 4.
I also want to watch Anne to see how it is.
Feud, which I've been loving. I'm a few eps behind, but that era of Hollywood is so fascinating.
Vampire Diaries, I'm a season behind, but eventually I need to suck it up and finish it.
I've been rewatching Chewing Gum on Netflix, so obsessed. I identify with Tracey so hard, her and Connor's relationship is so wonderfully weird and awkward.
And I'm still on my rewatch of Weeds, I'm on season 7, and Doctor Who, I'm on season 6.
Want to do a full rewatch of Orphan Black before the new season too.

So much tv, and now that I'm done school and work hasn't really started up in full force yet, I get about 2+ shifts a week right now depending on weather, I have oodles of time for tv and internet bullshit.

I should be reading more, but tv is too tempting haha.

That's it.
Au revoir.

Bring the gin, got the juice. Bring the sin, got that too.
Björk: Forgive This Tribe
analog_boyx
I am in a state of mystification.
I can't believe that I am done (presumably). Neither of my marks are in, which isn't surprising, but I keep checking desperately.

The mark from my energy course should be in soon. I submitted my paper a week ago and she emailed everyone to say that they should come out this weekend, but she was waiting on a few more papers. Which makes me concerned that maybe she didn't get my email, she never responded to it...

The mark from my politics&performance class will come a little later, I emailed my paper in late Wednesday. I am most worried about this one. I think my essay was pretty good, it went in a slightly different direction from my proposal, but it made sense. I think she will be fine with the changes. And in my email to her I re-iterated the fact that passing the course is incredibly important, because it's my last course to graduate. I think prior to this paper I was riding the line of failing so this will make or break me. But I do believe that she is a compassionate person, and what would be in it for her to fail me as opposed to giving me a D.

If I fail either of these, I will petition for a grade appraisal. I do not want to go back. I cannot.
UGH. Anxious!

Last night I worked wing night, it was insanely busy and stupid bosses only put 3 people on working, when some years we have had 5 bartenders on throughout the night. Sandy helped me a lot. And Matt stayed to sort of bar-back until 8-9ish. But it was crazy, at one point, Brit left for 20 minutes to drive her brother and his friends downtown, and Mak was downstairs doing the final clean up, and I was just swamped with people, and I just wanted to cryyy. I made like $200 in tips, and got to leave by 12:30 while the two of them stayed til the end.

I was utterly exhausted. Because the night before I probably only got 3-4 hours of sleep, and before work I had to go to Toronto to hand in my hardcopy essay, return library books, and the whole fam went to Ikea. It was a super long day, on little sleep, and then I worked 9hours. Brutal.

Tonight we are having celebratory drinks at DPs, but I will just have a few and drive home because I have to open tomorrow, and sunday. Which is Easter FamJams! Really excited to see my sisiters and the kids.

I don't want to talk about my feelings about school until it's confirmed.
So.. To Be Continued.

Who can it be now?
Björk: Forgive This Tribe
analog_boyx
I finished my one essay on Friday night. And that was victorious. But the problem is that I took the weekend to celebrate in my own stupid way, by watching tv and fucking not doing my next essay. So I am excrutiatingly behind on it, like almost none of it is done besides most of my research is done.

UGH.

And I am so overheated and stressed, and exhausted for whatever reason, and my head is throbbing. I have no idea why. I'm not feeling verbose or articulate. I think my critical thinking brain is switched off at the moment. And I just want to cry.
I think I make myself sick when I'm this stressed and behind on something, it's all psychosomatic.

I want to die, because this is the essay for the class that i am doing really bad in and this mark will either boost me enugh to pass or not. And it's psyching me out to the point where I can't do anything, And I just want to revert to my old self and just fail.

Failing means I don't graduate and will have do a course in the fall. And I will have to tell my parents that.

Again. UGH.

It was only one night, but I wanna go back to where we were
Björk: Forgive This Tribe
analog_boyx
Reiteration:
I am the fucking worst.

Still not done my essay. Now I'm pretty sure I'm at 75% done, so emailing it in by the end of today (friday) is very much doable.
Just have to keep going. Cannot give up, no matter how badly I want to.

My thinking has been how it's already days late... what's one more in the grand scheme of things. So handing it in today will mean I lose 15% off my mark. What-thefuck-ever. I don't give a shit. I'm hoping I will still nend up with a C still, but not holding my breath, my participation was less than stellar.

I actually think it's turning out to be a pretty good essay though. Despite how little I care about it. Less than 1000 words to go.

Then, this weekend, Monday, Tuesday, and possibly Wednesday and Thursday (if I can afford to hand in my other essay late ughhh) will be hardcore essay writing. It is the more abstract and challenging paper, but it is shorter (slightly). So hopefully I can get my shit together for that.

Enough pussyfooting around (bahaha, I love that phrase).
Back to it, fool!

Ain't it funny how it happens, ain't it?
Björk: Forgive This Tribe
analog_boyx
UGhhhhhh
I am the worst.

This essay is beating me up, and it's my EASY essay of the two. Fuck this shit.
I have the basic outline, sort of, and I'm just filling in sections at this point.
I'm about 1500 words into it, like 2500 more to go. IDK. It's supposed to be 15-20 pages.
I'm hoping I can make it to at least twelve haha, considering how bad at time and essay writing I am.

I took a break earlier to watch the finale of Big Little Lies, and I looooved it.
The show was great and the finale was super satisfying.

I have also been intermittently rewatching Weeds and Doctor Who and it makes me happy.

PROCRASTINATING TO THE EXTREME.

I am resigned to the fact that I probably won't get this done on time.
I don't feel great, and I'm exhausted.
Pulling an all nighter will be bad for me because I have to actually go to class tomorrow and be out in the world.
So that is a no go. Plus I don't want to drive when I'm that fucking tired.
I think I will work a little bit more, then sleep, then wake up at like 5 to work more.
The paper needs to be in by the end of Wed, but I can email it Wed and then drive to York Thurs to hand in the hardcopy.

I'm less worried about it. I think I can handle it.
I talked to Carla and we are in kinda similar places of being behind on this essay.
Which makes me feel better that it's not just me.

Fuck Earth, I want to live on Mars so I'm closer to the stars
Björk: Forgive This Tribe
analog_boyx
Been rocking out to so much Deltron 3030, Funkadelic/Parliament, "Awaken, My Love!", and Frank Ocean's Blonde. All so good. I've been really into exploring afrofuturism (fuck you, charlene) and funk, and more experimental hip hop/sci-fi stuff. Loving it right now.

I'm currently procrastinating. Wow.
I have to write my energy paper for Tuesday, I can leave it til Wednesday potentially but then I will have to go to York to drop off my hardcopy which is not ideal.
UGH. Fuck my dumbness.
I need to get a good start on it tonight. Then tomorrow and Monday I will go hard and make myself pull an all nighter.

Also, I have to work at the golf course for a few hours tomorrow. Seriously don't want to. I worked last night and it was chaotic with the new system and stuff. I made good money but change is so frustrating. Eric is so frustrating. He keeps changing his mind and I'm getting whiplash.

Then next week another big paper that I'm fucking so not ready for, I got such intense feedback about my project from people and I don't even know my angle anymore. But, I can't think of that right now.

My current paper is much more straight forward and I have a specific research goal, and making an outline is much easier.

Just to remind myself once again:
 do it go team you can do it GIF

Dragged you out into the street before you buckled at your knees
Björk: Forgive This Tribe
analog_boyx
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
That's a good way to put this.

Today has been partially productive and mostly just unproductive.
I did the dishes and cleaned a bit.
Did a little research. Need to work for a few more hours tonight.

The plan:

-Work on stuff, get as much done as I can. Then sleeeeeep.
-Get up early, finish my proposal, that NEEDS to be in by the end of the day, to be able to be marked before Tuesday, hopefully.
-Celebrate this small victory by having a party at my house.

Sounds doable.
Don't fuck this up, Rebecca.

And somewhere in there tomorrow, I need to shower and clean the house. And buy alcohol and snacks.

And my parents are home this weekend. So tomorrow night will be a big blow out to take advantage of my empty house. Or something. That is exciting. But not being alone at my house will be good. I have missed them.

I still have this brutal cough. If it lasts too much longer, I may have to go to the doctor. I have been avoiding that. But it's a very wet/mucusy cough, which makes me worried that it's more than just a cold. Idk.

Back to business.
Just need to constantly remind myself that I need this, that I can do this. that I can't avoid this forever.
Fuck my procrastination. I'm behind in everything.
But there's only a few weeks left.
Let's hope I can pull this off.
Fingers crossed.

Snowy soul
Björk: Forgive This Tribe
analog_boyx
Hello from the laziest, sickest week ever.

First point:
I got my mark back from the midterm test that I did for my energy class that I walked out of thinking: wow, that was kinda bad. I recall texting Dayna, saying that I had at least passed, at least got a 50 or 60%. He emailed us yesterday the list of marks. So I looked for my student number and scrolled across the line for my grade. And I honestly had to double check, re-look, check on the website, zoom in, make sure my number was right... everything, because I couldn't believe my eyes. Because it said 18.4/20, which is a 92%. What the actual fuck.

That's why I'm less worried about how my presentation went. And less worried about the proposal that I literally haven't started. Mark told me to send him what I have once it's done, but he's giving me a zero on it, no matter what. But it's only worth 5%, so it doesn't really matter. But I need to submit something, in order to submit my final paper.

Then I have SO much to do for my other class. Read a couple books and present on one of them this week and write a response to the other one for next week. Fuck.

But being sick is fucking awful. It's the worst and it is not going away. And I can barely swallow and I have major coughing fits. Getting out of bed is the fucking worst.

Also fuck the snow. We just got a few inches yesterday and last night, I think I may have to shovel. And we're supposed to get more, ughhhhh.

Going to visit fraaaands later. I seriously need human contact.
Going to dinner at my grandparents tomorrow night.

Parents are back next week, that will be nice. AND fucking soon, I will be done school. Once I am done these small assignments/presentations hopefully by next friday the 17th, I will just have 2 final papers to write (and a small presentation/performance of one of my projects). One is due April 4th and one is due on the 11th.

Then it is job hunting time. I applied for 2 jobs online last week, but I really didn't put much into my cover letters so I seriously doubt anything will happen with that.

No matter what you say, you couldn't stop the world for a moment
Björk: Forgive This Tribe
analog_boyx

Q&AsCollapse )

I am hoping today can be better. Let's hope at least.

I did a mindfulness exercise this morning, may do many more today, to get me through.

I think joining and actively trying/using 7cups (this service that can connect you to online listeners and therapists, to help with various mental health issues) was really important for me. I had a fairly long chat with someone last night, who helped me put school in perspective at least in terms of needing to communicate with profs and making graduating a major priority, by any means necessary.

Sent an email to mom this morning, not telling her how I'm really doing,  but even just telling her that I'm not feeling good and am sick, and telling her that I miss them felt really good.

Talked to both Grandma and Aunt Donna yesterday, they called and I told them that I was sick and coughing, and they gav me kind words and that helped.

Little things make a huge difference.

No automatic alt text available.

I'll just keep on throwing middle fingers in the air.
Björk: Forgive This Tribe
analog_boyx
Hola.

The last few days have been so depressing, and I have not handled them well. I went to Dayna's the other night and that was lovely. But besides that, I have been so anxious and unfocused and sad. Returning from Florida was the worst, I really did not want to leave, it was a great trip and way too short. And coming back to my lonely house was a shock to my system. Reality is fucking awful.

No surprise here, I am stressed and overwhelmed by my school work. And have basically backed myself into the dreaded corner (that I am all too familiar with). I have a paper due tomorrow but it's due online, so I'm putting it off and I have decided to write it wednesday and thursday, to submit by thursday night. Late by 2 days and I do not give a shit.

Right now, I am instead trying to prep for classes tomorrow, should have started this days ago, but nope, I'm a garbage person.
So, I have a 30 pg article on federal climate change policy and a whole Audre Lorde book to read. Bahahaha. The climate change one I have started and am making notes on. The other is not going to happen. I have read enough Lorde to bullshit my way through that class, and I can read a couple chapters on the bus maybe.

Ugh.

Like I have said here more times than I can count: I hate/judge myself more than anybody else could ever hate/judge me.

Drinking a coffee to help me stay up at least a few more hours to get some shit done.
Listening to my Study EDM playlist to get me jacked for this hardcore reading sesh.
And livejournal saves me by letting me work through some thoughts so I can get down to business. Thanks, braj.

Workaholics  workaholics comedy central blake anderson blake henderson

I will put on a performance
Björk: Forgive This Tribe
analog_boyx
Sup

I'm sitting in a Comfort Inn bed, it's... 2:40 am, I haven't slept at all, and I have to get the shuttle to the airport in less than an hour.
Where I will again, not sleep. Flight at 6:20 am, where again, I will not sleep.
Yay.

I totally forgot about how bad I am at sleeping, I should've brought melatonin or something stronger.
Oh well, nothing I can do about it now.

Drinking a chocolate protein shake that has coffee in it so hopefully that will help.

And maybe I can have an afternoon nap when the rents pick me up and we get back to the house.

I don't think I will feel actual excitement for my vacation until after I deal with the airport and the plane takes off. The airport is just such a stress and it always makes me anxious. And I always feel like I'm waiting in the wrong line or going in the wrong direction and I'm going to be late and miss my flight. And I can never understand when they make announcements.

And it will potentially be way more chaotic because of... political tensions. Aka the Trumpster.

So, again, YAY.
Also, yay, for having my period AGAIN for travelling. Last year it literally came at the airport.
Sleepy, sarcastic yays, all day.

Even if it makes me blind, I just want to see the light
Björk: Forgive This Tribe
analog_boyx
Just a random thought to begin:
I neeeeeed to stop reading comments on youtube and other mainstream blogs that I KNOW will leave me angry. I just keep doing it, even though I should know better.

I want this year to be the year of me actually and fundamentally accepting and loving my body, and acknowledging that I deserve love and happiness, and stop being shitty to myself. But that's a big goal. And falling into bad, self-loathing patterns is so easy.

I want to finally be comfortable in a bathing suit, in shorts, in a tank top. I want to stop apologising for my body, my presence.

I want the Ms. Frizzle motto of: "Take chances, make mistakes, and get messy" to be my year's motto. Because I need to get out of my comfort zone, I need to try new things, and expand my horizons. Because why not?

The alternative, staying as I am in my current mindset, is not sustainable, not healthy, and will only continue to make me unhappy.

These are all wonderful thoughts, just need to try to actually put them into action. Jump in with both feet, rather than baby steps. Or not, who knows.

I might disintegrate into the thin air if you'd like
Björk: Forgive This Tribe
analog_boyx
I just had an exhausting night at work.
Emotionally and physically.

Physically, it just takes a lot out of my body to be on my feet for 11 hours, mostly because I'm so not used to that this time of year. In the summer, that has been my norm when I'm working full time (basically). My back hurt so much by the end, I could barely bend enough to put all the chairs up.

Emotionally, I was just angry at Eric all night. And angry with myself, and the thought that I will never get out of that place. They have all these new plans of how to manage weddings, without discussing it with us, the ones who actually have to work and clean up after them. Ugh. Mak and I were so frustrated. And as she pointed out, E was talking down to us and, like, implying we don't work hard enough and that he does it faster (I don't even know, I was reading between the lines there). He drives me crazy. And he brags and lies, and Mak and I catch him in lies. And he denies it ever happening, even when it's in text. He is a world class bullshitter, and I fucking hate him, let's just put it like that.

The new policy for a wedding worked by 2 people: one person comes in early, one person comes in slightly later (right before cocktail hour), the first person leaves by 2am, the other stays and does clean up. Which is a normal sort of thing in other venues, bars etc. when you have a larger staff, you have some come in early, leave early, others come in later and stay til close. I get that. But not when you ONLY have 2 people working, that shit is unheard of.  You don't leave someone there alone to do all the clean up. And that is how most of our weddings are staffed, I would say less than 25% of our weddings have 3 bartenders. They are concerned about the amount of hours we're working. Which is just complete bullshit. As of right now, when we have a 2 person wedding, we both stay til the end no matter when we came in, because clean up is so much smoother when you have 2 people. Because we have to: clean up and put away the bar; restock the fridges for the next event; clean off tables of all glasswear, decorations, and linens; put linens in bags; gather glasses and run through dishwasher, and put them all away; put away any candles etc. that are ours; stack chairs onto tables; clean off patio tables and put away seat cushions (in the summer); count the cash (if it's not an open bar); take out garbage; take empties down to storage room; amongst other random jobs listed on a huge checklist. Which generally takes us 45mins-2 hours after everyone leaves, with 2 people working (depending on how busy of a night it was, because some of it can be done throughout the night, but other weddings we have it all to do at the end). And now they want one person to be left all alone (in a huge venue, that is honestly lacking in proper security) to do most of these jobs. It will take that person double the time it would take for 2 people to do it roughly. At least to do it properly.

And they say it's because they need to cut down on hours, yet again, fuck that. You can afford to pay one person an extra fucking hour (approximately $11.40) for them to help out, and clean up as a team, which is better for everyone. And perhaps we will actually do everything right and perfectly like their fucking obnoxious checklist requires.

This is all besides the point that working 8-12 hr shifts (this is roughly the average for our wedding shifts, occassionally we work 13-14 hrs) is brutal, and sometimes marginally illegal. And we usually get one designated break to eat dinner (I usually take 15mins and that's it), and a few extra bathroom breaks, at least this is what I have experienced. That's all we feel comfortable taking when the bar is crazy busy, at least for me, I feel guilty taking too long of breaks when there's only one other person. Maybe I should be more adamant about government allowed breaks for long ass shifts, and really time them. My point being that we are completely exhausted by the end and the thought of doing most of that clean-up by myself post-2am makes me want to cry.

So, sigh, rant over. This is why I continue to need LJ. So I don't cry at work, YAY.

TL;DR: Weddings are hard work. I hate my manager. And I really need a grown up/desk job soon.

But overall, the wedding was great, busy but not wild, the crowd was really nice and really fucking drunk by the end, it was an open bar which is also super easy to work, and they were gone by 1:30. Sweet. Tips should also be pretty solid.

It was really nice to see Matt. And my mom's old friends from highschool, one of which is my dental hygienist haha, they were the sweetest.

Oh my god.
Classes start in 2 days. I am nervous and excited for this semester. My 2 classes seem really good: Energy and the Environment in Canada (sounds straight forward, hopefully more policy based than science based, though I do have a background in climate change science now, thanks Prof. Higuchi) & Politics, Performance, and the Art of Resistance: Literature and Art in Postcolonial and Transnational Environments (yes, that is the full course title, sounds incredibly interesting and topical).

Let's just focus on surviving these 2 courses. And then, think. I will GRADUATE.

Pitter patter.

Do you think other animals spend as much time as us wishing for things they know they’ll never get?
Björk: Forgive This Tribe
analog_boyx
I am in recovery from Christmas time. I have done very little since then.

Did a load of laundry (finally), saw fraaands on Alicia's bday, worked a 3.5hr shift, ate a lot of chocolate, listened to tunes (lots of The Internet, Blood Orange, ABRA, and Zebra Katz), and watched so much tv.

Finished Westworld, pretty sure I need to rewatch it because I have so many questions. Watched Letterkenny season 2, loved it so much, Dan yelling about the patriarchy at one point just made my fucking day. Rewatching Sense8 season 1 to watch the christmas special, super into it, there's so much I forgot about, so epic and beautiful. Maybe will finally finish True Blood, I'm on season 6, and I keep getting distracted from watching more eps.

I booked my plane tickets and parkandfly for going to Florida Feb 1-9th, I am very excited. It will just be my parents and I in the house, so that eliminates all the awkward or anxiety filled interactions with my parents' friends (who are lovely, but I can't handle living with them haha). Yay.

My fam is making a frittata this morn, and I am très pumped.

Besides this, I have been kinda despondent and sad. And now it is snowing real heavily and that makes me not want to ever leave the house. But Ben is bugging me to hangout, but doing stuff when I'm this lazy and sad is hard. I just have so very little energy.

Going to just take things day by day, and try to enjoy my break before school comes back to terrorise me on Jan 10th.

The real violence, the violence I realized was unforgivable, is the violence that we do to ourselves, when we’re too afraid to be who we really are. - Nomi

Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal
HIMYM: Snowsuit up!
analog_boyx
Christmas is here!

I both love and hate this time of year.
It's just a lot all at once.

And everytime I go on facebook, I read about Dan's death and memories of him, and it makes me so sad. I really didn't know him well, but he was such a nice guy always, and he touched so many people's lives. And I can't imagine what his family is going through, and right before christmas.

Dayna's party on Thursday was a loverly, festive time. Lots of laughs and hugs.

Then Friday I spent like a million hours shopping in London with Benj. It was exhausting, but fun.

Yesterday was christmas eve, so we had my mom's extended fam and my sister Crystal's fam over. It was nice. Like usual, I spent basically the whole night with the kids, to keep them occupied so parents can have a break haha. I really do love spending time with Aaliyah, Danny and Diana, my cousins. They love me, I don't think they spend much time with people my age, Diana especially, always follows me around wanting me to play with them, they think I'm a kid, which is adorbs. And Aaliyah and Emma are so close in age that they get along really well. We played a lot of Uno and cards. I feel so bad because their mom is gone, she went back to Cambodia and I don't think she's coming back, and even if she did come back, she'll never really see them outside of supervised visits because of her history. And seeing Matt and Celia was nice, they are both legal drinking age now, so that's interesting, we don't really talk at all, but it's nice to see them once a year haha. And of course, my nieces, Emma's so old now, Bella finally seems to like me and not be so afraid of me, and Addy, she's so cute and crawls around.

Today, we are having my mom's fam over again, but just my grandparents, and my two aunts, so we will probably just open presents, and play euchre and crokinole (I had to google how to spell that haha). And eat food. And forced to watch football (is football on today? I don't even know) or basketball (again, don't know). Basketball would be preferable to football.

Tonight I will likely finish Westworld, one more episode to watch. ahhhhhh. It is so good. I discussed it with Zach the other night, I'm glad he is so into it too. Then watch christmas moviessss. OR LETTERKENNY SEASON 2. That's a Texas-sized 10-4, good buddy.

Then tomorrow, is the crazy Boxing Day adventure. Not so much an adventure, it is just a crazy day, with my dad's family coming over. I will get to see both my sisters and all the neices and nephews, before the craziness to open presents together and eat snacks. Then the rest of the aunts and uncles and cousins. We usually get around 30 or more people. with like a million kids and babies. Literally. Neeeed to try to not get sick.

There's the lowdown.
TTYL.

bet i look amusing, cause my addiction to these contradictions make it confusing
Björk: Forgive This Tribe
analog_boyx
I did it.
The moment I submitted my paper I just sighed in relief and then pumped my arms in the air in a silent "Steve Holt."
And it was technically only 13 hours late.
Like I was seriously so proud of myself. I think it wasn't too bad, though I am afraid to reread it, it's too soon. And I honestly don't care because the semester is over and there's nothing else I could do.

Since then, I have been watching extreme amounts of tv. Lots of South Park, and rewatching Rick and Morty. And I'm about to start Westworld.

Also, another thing, my fascination with true crime, murder documentaries has been reinvigorated. I finally finished watching Making a Murderer, like 2 weeks ago. I was so into it. Then I watched Amanda Knox yesterday, and The Central Park Five today. And it just makes me so upset, in all of these cases the police or detectives essentially coerced false confessions. They were interrogated so intensely and just wanted to go home, and said what the police wanted to hear. And that is what put them in jail, not concrete evidence. And the media just blows everything up and out of proportion.

I really do not want to think about what would happen if I was accused of a crime, I would definitely crack under pressure. I can't even begin to imagine what that situation would be like.

Ughhh... Okay, back to happy, funtime, holiday stuff.

I was moderately productive today, I cleaned the tub and shower and did dishes.

Christmas is coming so soon, I still have all my shopping to do. I think it's this intense amount of snow that we have, and how friggin' cold it is, that is making me never what to leave my house. Haven't been out in 4 days. Eventually I will have to make myself shower and put some clothes on.

No automatic alt text available.

JUST DO IT, FUCKFACE
Björk: Forgive This Tribe
analog_boyx
Yo.

I have a 3500 word essay due in 2 hours. Annnnd I'm about 1500 words into it. And I'm still trying to figure out what the fuck I'm actually doing and wanting to say haha.

Again, whyyyyyyy is it that I always seem to need to LJ when I am at my busiest and most fucked.

I have too many non-related thoughts in my head. And I keep getting distracted.

I think back to my first year of university and I would often pull all-nighters down in the cafeteria, well technically, I would usually let myself sleep a couple hours and then get back at it. I wish I still had that level of discipline. Sadly, I do not. And I realise that part of the reason I did that back then was that I didn't know how easy it was to fail. I had never failed anything and didn't even fathom how awesome it would be to just not do what I had to do. I'm fighting myself to keep going and not just panic and give up, like I have many other papers that I pushed to the very last minute, and then decided failing was preferable to actually making an effort.

But I am going to do it. I swear to fucking God.

personal shia labeouf just do it just saying

It will be late, like all of the things I hand in essentially, and it will be shorter than its supposed to be, I'm aiming for 3000 words  or 10 pages, and it will likely be shitty and not flow like it should, because I am so bad at essay writing.
BUT WHATEVER. I want to have it submitted by noon tomorrow, so 14 hours. That is my plan, and I am sticking to it!

I'm done with my perfect or nothing mentality. I want Ds and Cs and that is all.
I just want to tell my TA that, and like apologise for how garbage and late it will be, and beg for at least a D haha.

Kbye

What the fuck is saliency?! (an honest thought I keep having)
Björk: Forgive This Tribe
analog_boyx
Fuck this, this can't be my life
I've moisturized ten times tonight.
Why can't I sit down and write?


^Forever the most relevent lyrics to my life

I hate everything right now.
Though I have been incredibly productive, for me at least. Yes, I know, livejournal is not productive, I am currently on a break; fucking sue me.

I'm working on my group project right now, and honestly I don't even know if what I'm doing is actually what I should be doing. I was hoping everyone else would be done (they said they would be done their parts last night) so I could know if I was going in the right direction, and if I should re-evaluate. IDK.

I'm delirious with uncertainty.
And caffeine.
And listening to all the Sigur Rós. happyhappy.

I would say I'm about 80% done research, and I have about 20% written. Wooo.

I don't know how the fuck we're going to piece this thing together in less than 48hrs, the whole assignment is so vague and we only really discussed the assignment once in person bahaha. AND we have to present it to the class as well.

Although, I really don't care if we do well. I need to make it coherent, but even if we get a 50% on the project (which is unlikely, he marks assignments way easier than exams) I will pass the course. Again, my only goals are passing, I have no shame in getting Ds, because I'm a boss like that.

And I'm getting nostalgic back to my first year when I was able to work so hard and get shit done ON TIME... haven't done that in a while.
I may have to pull an all-nighter, or at least a very late night.

lethal weapon danny glover too old for this shit

Hold me closer, I'm wasting away. Hold me closer, I'm too fucked to stand.
Björk: Forgive This Tribe
analog_boyx
So hey.

Some things:

  • Finished an assignment this evening, that made me so proud of myself. It was already late by a few days, and usually when I'm in this position I just say fuck it, why bother. But I did it and submitted it and my prof said he wouldn't even take marks off. Righteous.

  • School shit to do: Group essay and presentation due next Thursday the 1st (haven't started), 2 smaller reflections due and a potluck on the 5th (sort of started), Exam on the 8th (FUCK), & a huge research paper due on the 12th (MAJOR FUCK, and no, I haven't started it yet). I will be hating everything in the next 2 and a half weeks.

  • BUT THEN I'M DONE THE SEMESTER. Just need to get my shit together, and pass... just barely pass, that's all I need.

  • I have been watching an obnoxious amount of That 70s Show on Netflix. Though it is mostly just because I need background noise. My house is too fucking quiet without my parents here, so I put it on when I'm cooking, doing the dishes, when I'm going to sleep, and sometimes even when I'm reading or studying haha. I have seen most episodes already, but it makes me so happy when I find ones that I've never seen. But like, I've gone through almost 5 seasons in the span of a week. I have a problem.

  • I made some beautiful oatmeal raisin chocolate chip spice cookies made with quinoa flour; they are crack.

  • I think i say this every christmas, but my goal is to read more. I've recently found some of my old books and bought a few that I reaally am looking forward to reading.

  • I am so excited for christmas to come and therefore to be done schooliosis, and also holiday decorating and baking and drinking and shopping. And seeing my fam. SO SOON.

  • Not going to say that this solves all my problems or anything because it's probably the opposite... but my nails are always fierce these days. Right now they are a holo berry shade. They are magnificent. And I can't be sad when my nails look this dope.

KBAI

I fuck with myself more than anybody else
Björk: Forgive This Tribe
analog_boyx


This.

This just hit me really hard. I have already been incredibly emotional the last couple days, but this let the waterworks flow.

Shame and anxiety rule my life. And I need to figure this out before it kills me.
Also, pretty sure I have PCOS. 

Chemically imbalanced, mentally challenged
Björk: Forgive This Tribe
analog_boyx
I had a long day of doing very little. It's so pathetic that I can't get anything done and can barely leave my bed.

I just want to cry most of the time.

My hair is falling out really bad, mostly because I have these tangles that I struggle to get out. And probably stress. And somehow the idea of going to get my hair cut is even more stressful. And the fact that my skin and scalp have been terrible lately, doesn't help at all. It makes me want to never leave the house and never see anyone but my family. So it's a really shitty cycle of anxiety and ultimately nothing is helping. I'm not making it better, I'm just avoiding.

I just want to eat a million things. And eat all the ice cream.
Pretty sure that is mostly due to my period coming tomorrow-ish.

My parents are leaving on Friday for a month and that is both kinda cool, no nagging and I can do whatever I want, and also the worst. I get into very bad habits of procrastination (even more so, if you can believe it) and cycles of depression.

Need to try to stay afloat, but I have no fucking idea how to do that.

I want you to know that I'm still trying (Baby, be my guru)
Björk: Forgive This Tribe
analog_boyx
Long time no post.
School. Blah. Work. Blah. Undealt with anxiety and depression. Blah.
Same ole shit, different day/month/year.

Just a quickie:
Did some calculations with my school's gpa calculator, and I discovered that even if I get D's in my last 4 courses, I will still have a high enough gpa to graduate in April. Yassssss. This has been something that I have been sorta worried about. Just need to pass all 4, which for me is harder than it sounds.

My GPA right now is 4.7, which is like almost a C+ (ughhh, I'm a fucking dumbass, don't judge me). But my program only requires that my cumulative gpa is at least 4.0.

Sick.
I'm not saying that I won't try to do better than D's, but It's reassuring that if when I have intense meltdowns, as long as I actually hand in things (no matter how garabge they are) and go to most classes, and not fucking give up (giving up is my A-game), I will be okay. That seems like a reasonable and, possibly even, a realistic goal for me.

Bahaha, what is my life.
I will be okay. Just need to repeat this always.

This song's lyrics speak to my depression-riddled, and lazy self:

I’m chillin’ on the sofa
I don’t wanna yoga
I don’t want to life right now

And ooh, I see outside it's changing seasons
But I’m burning all my daylight sleepin’

Good vibrations swirlin’ ‘round me
So why does changing hurt so badly

Got some scruff goin’, gotta shave it
Get my diet up, no more eating bacon
Get a bathe in, bet it'd feel amazing
Climb up from the cave I created in my basement

?

Log in