All Is Full Of Love

[all around you]

I'll just keep on throwing middle fingers in the air.
Björk: Forgive This Tribe

The last few days have been so depressing, and I have not handled them well. I went to Dayna's the other night and that was lovely. But besides that, I have been so anxious and unfocused and sad. Returning from Florida was the worst, I really did not want to leave, it was a great trip and way too short. And coming back to my lonely house was a shock to my system. Reality is fucking awful.

No surprise here, I am stressed and overwhelmed by my school work. And have basically backed myself into the dreaded corner (that I am all too familiar with). I have a paper due tomorrow but it's due online, so I'm putting it off and I have decided to write it wednesday and thursday, to submit by thursday night. Late by 2 days and I do not give a shit.

Right now, I am instead trying to prep for classes tomorrow, should have started this days ago, but nope, I'm a garbage person.
So, I have a 30 pg article on federal climate change policy and a whole Audre Lorde book to read. Bahahaha. The climate change one I have started and am making notes on. The other is not going to happen. I have read enough Lorde to bullshit my way through that class, and I can read a couple chapters on the bus maybe.


Like I have said here more times than I can count: I hate/judge myself more than anybody else could ever hate/judge me.

Drinking a coffee to help me stay up at least a few more hours to get some shit done.
Listening to my Study EDM playlist to get me jacked for this hardcore reading sesh.
And livejournal saves me by letting me work through some thoughts so I can get down to business. Thanks, braj.

Workaholics  workaholics comedy central blake anderson blake henderson

I will put on a performance
Björk: Forgive This Tribe

I'm sitting in a Comfort Inn bed, it's... 2:40 am, I haven't slept at all, and I have to get the shuttle to the airport in less than an hour.
Where I will again, not sleep. Flight at 6:20 am, where again, I will not sleep.

I totally forgot about how bad I am at sleeping, I should've brought melatonin or something stronger.
Oh well, nothing I can do about it now.

Drinking a chocolate protein shake that has coffee in it so hopefully that will help.

And maybe I can have an afternoon nap when the rents pick me up and we get back to the house.

I don't think I will feel actual excitement for my vacation until after I deal with the airport and the plane takes off. The airport is just such a stress and it always makes me anxious. And I always feel like I'm waiting in the wrong line or going in the wrong direction and I'm going to be late and miss my flight. And I can never understand when they make announcements.

And it will potentially be way more chaotic because of... political tensions. Aka the Trumpster.

So, again, YAY.
Also, yay, for having my period AGAIN for travelling. Last year it literally came at the airport.
Sleepy, sarcastic yays, all day.

Even if it makes me blind, I just want to see the light
Björk: Forgive This Tribe
Just a random thought to begin:
I neeeeeed to stop reading comments on youtube and other mainstream blogs that I KNOW will leave me angry. I just keep doing it, even though I should know better.

I want this year to be the year of me actually and fundamentally accepting and loving my body, and acknowledging that I deserve love and happiness, and stop being shitty to myself. But that's a big goal. And falling into bad, self-loathing patterns is so easy.

I want to finally be comfortable in a bathing suit, in shorts, in a tank top. I want to stop apologising for my body, my presence.

I want the Ms. Frizzle motto of: "Take chances, make mistakes, and get messy" to be my year's motto. Because I need to get out of my comfort zone, I need to try new things, and expand my horizons. Because why not?

The alternative, staying as I am in my current mindset, is not sustainable, not healthy, and will only continue to make me unhappy.

These are all wonderful thoughts, just need to try to actually put them into action. Jump in with both feet, rather than baby steps. Or not, who knows.

I might disintegrate into the thin air if you'd like
Björk: Forgive This Tribe
I just had an exhausting night at work.
Emotionally and physically.

Physically, it just takes a lot out of my body to be on my feet for 11 hours, mostly because I'm so not used to that this time of year. In the summer, that has been my norm when I'm working full time (basically). My back hurt so much by the end, I could barely bend enough to put all the chairs up.

Emotionally, I was just angry at Eric all night. And angry with myself, and the thought that I will never get out of that place. They have all these new plans of how to manage weddings, without discussing it with us, the ones who actually have to work and clean up after them. Ugh. Mak and I were so frustrated. And as she pointed out, E was talking down to us and, like, implying we don't work hard enough and that he does it faster (I don't even know, I was reading between the lines there). He drives me crazy. And he brags and lies, and Mak and I catch him in lies. And he denies it ever happening, even when it's in text. He is a world class bullshitter, and I fucking hate him, let's just put it like that.

The new policy for a wedding worked by 2 people: one person comes in early, one person comes in slightly later (right before cocktail hour), the first person leaves by 2am, the other stays and does clean up. Which is a normal sort of thing in other venues, bars etc. when you have a larger staff, you have some come in early, leave early, others come in later and stay til close. I get that. But not when you ONLY have 2 people working, that shit is unheard of.  You don't leave someone there alone to do all the clean up. And that is how most of our weddings are staffed, I would say less than 25% of our weddings have 3 bartenders. They are concerned about the amount of hours we're working. Which is just complete bullshit. As of right now, when we have a 2 person wedding, we both stay til the end no matter when we came in, because clean up is so much smoother when you have 2 people. Because we have to: clean up and put away the bar; restock the fridges for the next event; clean off tables of all glasswear, decorations, and linens; put linens in bags; gather glasses and run through dishwasher, and put them all away; put away any candles etc. that are ours; stack chairs onto tables; clean off patio tables and put away seat cushions (in the summer); count the cash (if it's not an open bar); take out garbage; take empties down to storage room; amongst other random jobs listed on a huge checklist. Which generally takes us 45mins-2 hours after everyone leaves, with 2 people working (depending on how busy of a night it was, because some of it can be done throughout the night, but other weddings we have it all to do at the end). And now they want one person to be left all alone (in a huge venue, that is honestly lacking in proper security) to do most of these jobs. It will take that person double the time it would take for 2 people to do it roughly. At least to do it properly.

And they say it's because they need to cut down on hours, yet again, fuck that. You can afford to pay one person an extra fucking hour (approximately $11.40) for them to help out, and clean up as a team, which is better for everyone. And perhaps we will actually do everything right and perfectly like their fucking obnoxious checklist requires.

This is all besides the point that working 8-12 hr shifts (this is roughly the average for our wedding shifts, occassionally we work 13-14 hrs) is brutal, and sometimes marginally illegal. And we usually get one designated break to eat dinner (I usually take 15mins and that's it), and a few extra bathroom breaks, at least this is what I have experienced. That's all we feel comfortable taking when the bar is crazy busy, at least for me, I feel guilty taking too long of breaks when there's only one other person. Maybe I should be more adamant about government allowed breaks for long ass shifts, and really time them. My point being that we are completely exhausted by the end and the thought of doing most of that clean-up by myself post-2am makes me want to cry.

So, sigh, rant over. This is why I continue to need LJ. So I don't cry at work, YAY.

TL;DR: Weddings are hard work. I hate my manager. And I really need a grown up/desk job soon.

But overall, the wedding was great, busy but not wild, the crowd was really nice and really fucking drunk by the end, it was an open bar which is also super easy to work, and they were gone by 1:30. Sweet. Tips should also be pretty solid.

It was really nice to see Matt. And my mom's old friends from highschool, one of which is my dental hygienist haha, they were the sweetest.

Oh my god.
Classes start in 2 days. I am nervous and excited for this semester. My 2 classes seem really good: Energy and the Environment in Canada (sounds straight forward, hopefully more policy based than science based, though I do have a background in climate change science now, thanks Prof. Higuchi) & Politics, Performance, and the Art of Resistance: Literature and Art in Postcolonial and Transnational Environments (yes, that is the full course title, sounds incredibly interesting and topical).

Let's just focus on surviving these 2 courses. And then, think. I will GRADUATE.

Pitter patter.

Do you think other animals spend as much time as us wishing for things they know they’ll never get?
Björk: Forgive This Tribe
I am in recovery from Christmas time. I have done very little since then.

Did a load of laundry (finally), saw fraaands on Alicia's bday, worked a 3.5hr shift, ate a lot of chocolate, listened to tunes (lots of The Internet, Blood Orange, ABRA, and Zebra Katz), and watched so much tv.

Finished Westworld, pretty sure I need to rewatch it because I have so many questions. Watched Letterkenny season 2, loved it so much, Dan yelling about the patriarchy at one point just made my fucking day. Rewatching Sense8 season 1 to watch the christmas special, super into it, there's so much I forgot about, so epic and beautiful. Maybe will finally finish True Blood, I'm on season 6, and I keep getting distracted from watching more eps.

I booked my plane tickets and parkandfly for going to Florida Feb 1-9th, I am very excited. It will just be my parents and I in the house, so that eliminates all the awkward or anxiety filled interactions with my parents' friends (who are lovely, but I can't handle living with them haha). Yay.

My fam is making a frittata this morn, and I am très pumped.

Besides this, I have been kinda despondent and sad. And now it is snowing real heavily and that makes me not want to ever leave the house. But Ben is bugging me to hangout, but doing stuff when I'm this lazy and sad is hard. I just have so very little energy.

Going to just take things day by day, and try to enjoy my break before school comes back to terrorise me on Jan 10th.

The real violence, the violence I realized was unforgivable, is the violence that we do to ourselves, when we’re too afraid to be who we really are. - Nomi

Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal
HIMYM: Snowsuit up!
Christmas is here!

I both love and hate this time of year.
It's just a lot all at once.

And everytime I go on facebook, I read about Dan's death and memories of him, and it makes me so sad. I really didn't know him well, but he was such a nice guy always, and he touched so many people's lives. And I can't imagine what his family is going through, and right before christmas.

Dayna's party on Thursday was a loverly, festive time. Lots of laughs and hugs.

Then Friday I spent like a million hours shopping in London with Benj. It was exhausting, but fun.

Yesterday was christmas eve, so we had my mom's extended fam and my sister Crystal's fam over. It was nice. Like usual, I spent basically the whole night with the kids, to keep them occupied so parents can have a break haha. I really do love spending time with Aaliyah, Danny and Diana, my cousins. They love me, I don't think they spend much time with people my age, Diana especially, always follows me around wanting me to play with them, they think I'm a kid, which is adorbs. And Aaliyah and Emma are so close in age that they get along really well. We played a lot of Uno and cards. I feel so bad because their mom is gone, she went back to Cambodia and I don't think she's coming back, and even if she did come back, she'll never really see them outside of supervised visits because of her history. And seeing Matt and Celia was nice, they are both legal drinking age now, so that's interesting, we don't really talk at all, but it's nice to see them once a year haha. And of course, my nieces, Emma's so old now, Bella finally seems to like me and not be so afraid of me, and Addy, she's so cute and crawls around.

Today, we are having my mom's fam over again, but just my grandparents, and my two aunts, so we will probably just open presents, and play euchre and crokinole (I had to google how to spell that haha). And eat food. And forced to watch football (is football on today? I don't even know) or basketball (again, don't know). Basketball would be preferable to football.

Tonight I will likely finish Westworld, one more episode to watch. ahhhhhh. It is so good. I discussed it with Zach the other night, I'm glad he is so into it too. Then watch christmas moviessss. OR LETTERKENNY SEASON 2. That's a Texas-sized 10-4, good buddy.

Then tomorrow, is the crazy Boxing Day adventure. Not so much an adventure, it is just a crazy day, with my dad's family coming over. I will get to see both my sisters and all the neices and nephews, before the craziness to open presents together and eat snacks. Then the rest of the aunts and uncles and cousins. We usually get around 30 or more people. with like a million kids and babies. Literally. Neeeed to try to not get sick.

There's the lowdown.

bet i look amusing, cause my addiction to these contradictions make it confusing
Björk: Forgive This Tribe
I did it.
The moment I submitted my paper I just sighed in relief and then pumped my arms in the air in a silent "Steve Holt."
And it was technically only 13 hours late.
Like I was seriously so proud of myself. I think it wasn't too bad, though I am afraid to reread it, it's too soon. And I honestly don't care because the semester is over and there's nothing else I could do.

Since then, I have been watching extreme amounts of tv. Lots of South Park, and rewatching Rick and Morty. And I'm about to start Westworld.

Also, another thing, my fascination with true crime, murder documentaries has been reinvigorated. I finally finished watching Making a Murderer, like 2 weeks ago. I was so into it. Then I watched Amanda Knox yesterday, and The Central Park Five today. And it just makes me so upset, in all of these cases the police or detectives essentially coerced false confessions. They were interrogated so intensely and just wanted to go home, and said what the police wanted to hear. And that is what put them in jail, not concrete evidence. And the media just blows everything up and out of proportion.

I really do not want to think about what would happen if I was accused of a crime, I would definitely crack under pressure. I can't even begin to imagine what that situation would be like.

Ughhh... Okay, back to happy, funtime, holiday stuff.

I was moderately productive today, I cleaned the tub and shower and did dishes.

Christmas is coming so soon, I still have all my shopping to do. I think it's this intense amount of snow that we have, and how friggin' cold it is, that is making me never what to leave my house. Haven't been out in 4 days. Eventually I will have to make myself shower and put some clothes on.

No automatic alt text available.

Björk: Forgive This Tribe

I have a 3500 word essay due in 2 hours. Annnnd I'm about 1500 words into it. And I'm still trying to figure out what the fuck I'm actually doing and wanting to say haha.

Again, whyyyyyyy is it that I always seem to need to LJ when I am at my busiest and most fucked.

I have too many non-related thoughts in my head. And I keep getting distracted.

I think back to my first year of university and I would often pull all-nighters down in the cafeteria, well technically, I would usually let myself sleep a couple hours and then get back at it. I wish I still had that level of discipline. Sadly, I do not. And I realise that part of the reason I did that back then was that I didn't know how easy it was to fail. I had never failed anything and didn't even fathom how awesome it would be to just not do what I had to do. I'm fighting myself to keep going and not just panic and give up, like I have many other papers that I pushed to the very last minute, and then decided failing was preferable to actually making an effort.

But I am going to do it. I swear to fucking God.

personal shia labeouf just do it just saying

It will be late, like all of the things I hand in essentially, and it will be shorter than its supposed to be, I'm aiming for 3000 words  or 10 pages, and it will likely be shitty and not flow like it should, because I am so bad at essay writing.
BUT WHATEVER. I want to have it submitted by noon tomorrow, so 14 hours. That is my plan, and I am sticking to it!

I'm done with my perfect or nothing mentality. I want Ds and Cs and that is all.
I just want to tell my TA that, and like apologise for how garbage and late it will be, and beg for at least a D haha.


What the fuck is saliency?! (an honest thought I keep having)
Björk: Forgive This Tribe
Fuck this, this can't be my life
I've moisturized ten times tonight.
Why can't I sit down and write?

^Forever the most relevent lyrics to my life

I hate everything right now.
Though I have been incredibly productive, for me at least. Yes, I know, livejournal is not productive, I am currently on a break; fucking sue me.

I'm working on my group project right now, and honestly I don't even know if what I'm doing is actually what I should be doing. I was hoping everyone else would be done (they said they would be done their parts last night) so I could know if I was going in the right direction, and if I should re-evaluate. IDK.

I'm delirious with uncertainty.
And caffeine.
And listening to all the Sigur Rós. happyhappy.

I would say I'm about 80% done research, and I have about 20% written. Wooo.

I don't know how the fuck we're going to piece this thing together in less than 48hrs, the whole assignment is so vague and we only really discussed the assignment once in person bahaha. AND we have to present it to the class as well.

Although, I really don't care if we do well. I need to make it coherent, but even if we get a 50% on the project (which is unlikely, he marks assignments way easier than exams) I will pass the course. Again, my only goals are passing, I have no shame in getting Ds, because I'm a boss like that.

And I'm getting nostalgic back to my first year when I was able to work so hard and get shit done ON TIME... haven't done that in a while.
I may have to pull an all-nighter, or at least a very late night.

lethal weapon danny glover too old for this shit

Hold me closer, I'm wasting away. Hold me closer, I'm too fucked to stand.
Björk: Forgive This Tribe
So hey.

Some things:

  • Finished an assignment this evening, that made me so proud of myself. It was already late by a few days, and usually when I'm in this position I just say fuck it, why bother. But I did it and submitted it and my prof said he wouldn't even take marks off. Righteous.

  • School shit to do: Group essay and presentation due next Thursday the 1st (haven't started), 2 smaller reflections due and a potluck on the 5th (sort of started), Exam on the 8th (FUCK), & a huge research paper due on the 12th (MAJOR FUCK, and no, I haven't started it yet). I will be hating everything in the next 2 and a half weeks.

  • BUT THEN I'M DONE THE SEMESTER. Just need to get my shit together, and pass... just barely pass, that's all I need.

  • I have been watching an obnoxious amount of That 70s Show on Netflix. Though it is mostly just because I need background noise. My house is too fucking quiet without my parents here, so I put it on when I'm cooking, doing the dishes, when I'm going to sleep, and sometimes even when I'm reading or studying haha. I have seen most episodes already, but it makes me so happy when I find ones that I've never seen. But like, I've gone through almost 5 seasons in the span of a week. I have a problem.

  • I made some beautiful oatmeal raisin chocolate chip spice cookies made with quinoa flour; they are crack.

  • I think i say this every christmas, but my goal is to read more. I've recently found some of my old books and bought a few that I reaally am looking forward to reading.

  • I am so excited for christmas to come and therefore to be done schooliosis, and also holiday decorating and baking and drinking and shopping. And seeing my fam. SO SOON.

  • Not going to say that this solves all my problems or anything because it's probably the opposite... but my nails are always fierce these days. Right now they are a holo berry shade. They are magnificent. And I can't be sad when my nails look this dope.


I fuck with myself more than anybody else
Björk: Forgive This Tribe


This just hit me really hard. I have already been incredibly emotional the last couple days, but this let the waterworks flow.

Shame and anxiety rule my life. And I need to figure this out before it kills me.
Also, pretty sure I have PCOS. 

Chemically imbalanced, mentally challenged
Björk: Forgive This Tribe
I had a long day of doing very little. It's so pathetic that I can't get anything done and can barely leave my bed.

I just want to cry most of the time.

My hair is falling out really bad, mostly because I have these tangles that I struggle to get out. And probably stress. And somehow the idea of going to get my hair cut is even more stressful. And the fact that my skin and scalp have been terrible lately, doesn't help at all. It makes me want to never leave the house and never see anyone but my family. So it's a really shitty cycle of anxiety and ultimately nothing is helping. I'm not making it better, I'm just avoiding.

I just want to eat a million things. And eat all the ice cream.
Pretty sure that is mostly due to my period coming tomorrow-ish.

My parents are leaving on Friday for a month and that is both kinda cool, no nagging and I can do whatever I want, and also the worst. I get into very bad habits of procrastination (even more so, if you can believe it) and cycles of depression.

Need to try to stay afloat, but I have no fucking idea how to do that.

I want you to know that I'm still trying (Baby, be my guru)
Björk: Forgive This Tribe
Long time no post.
School. Blah. Work. Blah. Undealt with anxiety and depression. Blah.
Same ole shit, different day/month/year.

Just a quickie:
Did some calculations with my school's gpa calculator, and I discovered that even if I get D's in my last 4 courses, I will still have a high enough gpa to graduate in April. Yassssss. This has been something that I have been sorta worried about. Just need to pass all 4, which for me is harder than it sounds.

My GPA right now is 4.7, which is like almost a C+ (ughhh, I'm a fucking dumbass, don't judge me). But my program only requires that my cumulative gpa is at least 4.0.

I'm not saying that I won't try to do better than D's, but It's reassuring that if when I have intense meltdowns, as long as I actually hand in things (no matter how garabge they are) and go to most classes, and not fucking give up (giving up is my A-game), I will be okay. That seems like a reasonable and, possibly even, a realistic goal for me.

Bahaha, what is my life.
I will be okay. Just need to repeat this always.

This song's lyrics speak to my depression-riddled, and lazy self:

I’m chillin’ on the sofa
I don’t wanna yoga
I don’t want to life right now

And ooh, I see outside it's changing seasons
But I’m burning all my daylight sleepin’

Good vibrations swirlin’ ‘round me
So why does changing hurt so badly

Got some scruff goin’, gotta shave it
Get my diet up, no more eating bacon
Get a bathe in, bet it'd feel amazing
Climb up from the cave I created in my basement

I am happy, that's just the saddest lie
Björk: Forgive This Tribe
I've had a few really upsetting, frustrating days at work.

E masquerades his assholery and douchebaggery as consideration and generosity, fuck that. And he gets to come in 4 hours early for his shift and tell me to go home early, fuck that. He gets to walk around bragging about how he taught us all how to be friendly and give good customer service, fuck that times infinity.

I am working on an email for our GM discussing this and the issues that I have with the fact that they have contradictorally cut our hours down, yet still have E work 50+ hour weeks. So they're paying that dude overtime while the rest of us are getting barely 30-35 hours on average.

My dad and I are also so annoyed with how fucking stupid they can be around there, with how they've organised the upcoming tournaments. Ughhh.

But that's enough of talking shop.

I read something today about what someone called High Functioning Anxiety ( and it felt like a complete representation of me right now, unlike me when I'm in school. I always go to work, I never just skip or call in sick, I don't make excuses, I don't let my anxiety fuck with my work life, at least while I'm working. I take that shit home with me and obsess over it. I'm not quite as highly functioning outside of work. I just become an anxious mess and can't get much done most of the time. But it's always so overwhelming when someone writes about anxiety in a way where I'm like... That's my life. So often, I get into these mindsets where illogically I think I'm alone in this, and it gives me a lot of mixed emotions when someone sums up a lot of my feelings, good and bad.

This is something that really stood out to me:

It's silent anxiety attacks, hidden by smiles.
It’s always being busy but also always avoiding, so important things don’t get done. It’s letting things pile up rather than admitting you’re overwhelmed or in need of help.

It’s that sharp pang of saying the wrong thing, the one that starts the cycles of thoughts. Because you said too much, and nobody cares, and it makes you never want to speak up again.
It’s going back and forth between everyone else has it together but you, and so many people have it tougher than you.
Get your act together.
Suck it up.
You’re not OK, you’re messing everything up.
You’re totally OK, stop being such a baby.
It’s waking up in the middle of the night sobbing because the worst-case-scenario that just went through your head at high speed seems so real, so vivid, that even when it’s proven to be untrue, it takes hours for your heart to slow down, to feel calm again.

I've been blowing off my friends a lot lately and it makes me feel shitty. But mostly I feel stressed and sad, and don't want to be around people. And also I don't want to make anyone have to spend time with me when I'm this way. I haven't really been drinking very much these days, and sometimes I feel really awkward to be around people drinking and smoking. I should be used to it by now haha.

Sunday was really nice, I went to Grand Bend with Dayna and Jillaine, and we hungout at the beach and wandered around and stuff for a while. It was relaxing, and exhausting, spending that much time in the sun does that to me.

Anyways, I'm distracting myself by watching copious amounts of tv shows: Killjoys, Preacher, South Park, Orange is the New Black.
And I made a strawberry cheesecake.
So at least I have that going for me.

It's the sparkle you become when you conquer anxiety
Björk: Forgive This Tribe
I've been feeling really conflicted and moody. Trying to be more positive and less of an asshole to my parents, and give less fucks about what people think of me in general. Sort of a contradiction, or maybe not. But it's so fucking hard.

I think about what people think of me, concerning the fact that I'm still living at home, in the place where I grew up. I have this feeling like people constantly judge me about this. But no one ever fucking tells you how hard it is to be a grown up and how hard depression and anxiety can hit you when you're already crippled by loneliness and prone to isolation. And maybe I'm better, maybe I'm healthier at home. Maybe not. Maybe it's only a distraction, and I'm avoiding what's wrong. And of course, I can't do that forever. But I feel better and I take care of myself more here, I think. And that is good, at least.

That's only a very small percentage of the things that go through my head of what people think of me/judge me for.

My body is of course still my biggest point of internal conflict and insecurity. I go from hating myself and thinking that I'm the ugliest, fattest piece of shit ever, like in the entire world. Which is so illogical, because obviously I'm not. But that is sometimes what runs through my head.

Then I watch body pos videos and cry because I'm nowhere near that confident, and fear I never will get to that point.

But eventually, I think I will. I wore shorts (bermuda haha) the other day to work, something so seemingly insignificant made a lot of difference. Big step, or tiny step, essentially. But baby steps are everything. Must appreciate that.

Work is good, only worked 36 hours this past week which is cray, not hating it though. Disregard my last post, I was being silly about it. New guy is decent and I didn't want that job anyways.
Summer course is good, 92% on midterm1, 83% on midterm2, need to just grind out my final on June 24th and I'll be good!
Fall courses are selected, fit 4 courses into 2 days, monday and thursday. Rad, and if I can't handle it, I will drop one and fucking suck it up and do it in the winter semester. Because fuck it. It's my pussy, I can do what I want... Hmm, Imma big girl now (ahahaa, not sure why I just started singing that in my head... God, that needs to be my internal anthem right now)
TV is great (obviously): Orphan Black has been killlling it this season, super into it, sad that we're at the finale already. Super into the eps of Preacher that have aired. Dark Matter and Killjoys are coming back soon! OitNB is back soon too I think, pretty sure I should rewatch the past season haha. Watching so much South Park, I'm onto season 4, doing it in chronological order is so interesting. What else... need to get back onto the Penny Dreadful train.
That's about it.
Oh, really want to go golfing this week, maybe Thursday!

This is a great message from one of my favourite fat bitches on youtube, need to keep repeating this to myself:

Fuck them, for life
You're the shit, forever

And heaven knows, I'm miserable now
Björk: Forgive This Tribe
I'm so mad at myself. And I'm so disappointed with my inability to take a chance, in order to better myself.
And now I've lost that chance, that opportunity. And I'm kicking myself about it. And berating myself for not doing it and berating myself about the fact that I probbaly wasn't qualified for/wouldn't have got it anyways,

I'm too stuck in my depression and my anxiety, and my eternal self loathing, to see my strengths and see that I deserve things, that I'm valuable, that I'm worth it.

I just want to kill myself to get it over with.

I'm just listening to the Smiths and hating myself, funtimes

Because you grew up in small town, you'll appreciate it more
Björk: Forgive This Tribe
So, I was sitting at the kitchen island this morning having my coffee, after helping my dad with computer things and getting set up with the tee-sheet for work, and my mom had just come in from checking out the gardens. I've had issues with my allergies lately, I've been super stuffed up and my eyes have been watering a lot. And my mom just looked at me for a while and asked if I was okay, because I looked upset. And I just told her about my allergies.

It was just so jarring, her asking me if I'm okay. I know she loves me and is concerned about me. But it's never really something that is ever vocalised in my family.
And honestly, it just made me more sad, because of how hard it is to tell her and be like: I'm decently okay, right now, because I have work to distract me from the nightmare that is my normal state of how not okay I am.

So yeah, I'm just living in this state of distraction, trying to maintain my 'work self' (aka. my friendly, out-going, talkative, ambitious persona that I take on while I'm working).

deep breaths, kitty, very brave face, chest out
remind myself that I deserve this
even though they'll be whispering that I'm worthless

Oh, and I miss my frandzz :(

Why do some things stay the same, when some don't
Björk: Forgive This Tribe
I'm a gross teenager, trapped in a grown-up shade
Need someone to clean up the mess I made
Say it will be fine

So, some things:

  • Happy to be done the school year. Found out I got a D on the year long course that I was worried about failing, so I'm STOKED. No one has ever been this ecstatic to get a D haha, I think they probably just didn't want to fuck up the bell curve, or something. But again, fuckin' stoked at just barely passing!

  • Need to get a head start on my online course or else it will not go well, even though it seems relatively easy and super interesting. Gotta stay on top of it and get my time management on point. Fuck.

  • Work is intense. My direct manager is out of commission for an indefinite period of time with a head injury. He is doing okay considering the doctors apparently are surprised that he's even alive, let alone recognising people, and writing, and worrying about work things he was supposed to do, and his hockey picks haha. He's not able to speak yet but his progress is pretty impressive. It will definitely be a long haul for him and his family. He was writing that he wanted pop apparently, but as BD said today, it looked more like he wanted pot, not pop, which is hilarious and so like him.

  • Work is intense pt 2. So anyways, I've been working a bunch of extra shifts to help out. I wish I could help more, but as I've discovered I'm terrible at consoling people and dealing with these awful situations, and seeing his family everyday is hard. I'm trying to stay strong for people and just do my job, because what else can I really do?

  • Work is intense pt 3. This should be the final part of this rant. The revision of this next month's schedule was just emailed out to us, and I am pretty surprised and disappointed, he told me I was getting a bunch more shifts. I got 2 extra shifts, while M got 7 extra, so in total she has 4 more shifts than me... how is that fair? I feel like I'm being punished, but all I've done this past week is take all the shifts I can and do all the jobs they give me and offer my assistance. And I feel a little fucked over. Especially because he switched around a lot of shifts, so I'm mostly opening (which is a shift where we make zero tips, and tend to be shorter shifts) while the other girls, and new girls by the way, are closing, which I think is bullshit (I have ALL the seniority). But everyone at work is so stressed and have so much on their plate, that I hate to be the whiner/complainer who wants more shifts/money, but I just want him to know that I hope June is more fair. I also try to avoid confrontation at all cost, but I think I need to be more assertive. And if they need help in managerial capacities that I would be the perfect person for that job because I have been there so long and I know way more about how things are run than they know. I need to keep offering my help, and maybe they will finally delegate.

  • Ughhh, this has been stressing me out so much. I really haven't been sleeping well. Plus I have had to get up by 6:30 all this week.

  • But yo, I got a new bed, which is hella exciting. I tend to just end up laying in bed whenever I'm not working.

  • SUPER LOVING THE NEW EPS OF ORPHAN BLACK. Thursday nights are extreme love! :D

  • I had a lovely evening of food and fun times and reggae with my lady friends, plus Zach, on Friday for Mcray's birthday. That was a highlight of my past couple weeks. Miss them already.

That's about it.

Pitter patter, let's get at 'er.

sink my teeth in the sheets and taste the emptiness
Björk: Forgive This Tribe
It's me.
I was wondering if after all these years...

Yeah. It's been a while.
But it's March again, which means essay time. The time when I hate myself and can't focus and can't do shit the most. And need livejournal the most. Because I'm still so dumb that I still haven't dealt with any of my problems, and can't seem to vocalise any of them.

I've been stuck in some pretty problematic depression and anxiety and loneliness lately. I've never been alone this long at my house and it is kinda driving me crazy. The silence at times feels deafening (sometimes quiet is violent) and I've definitely had a few panic attacks. Mostly I just stay in bed because everything is too hard.

These essays really snuck up on me and the urgency and importance of them is making me want to cry. The fact that if I don't pass this one year long course then I'm stuck doing another full year, my plan now is that I can finish this fall HOPEFULLY.

I feel super distant from my friends, for some reason. In actuality they are closer geographically than ever, but I guess I'm the one that is too closed off and can't seem to discuss any of my true feelings. They are the most amazing supportive people yet I still can't. They all seem to be doing so well, in jobs/school stuff and just so much more positive, and it's really hard for me to keep pretending that I'm fine.

I may try to write more later, it's nice to return to this.
I posted in /r/depression for the first time last night and that was pretty momumental. Reading about other people who feel trapped and alone etc. doesn't make me feel better necessarily but it definitely makes me realise that I'm not alone in this. And seeing people at varying points of the journey, is almost empowering me to think that I might feel better someday.

I can't believe this feeling seeping out my smile
Björk: Forgive This Tribe
I am having a beautiful lovely lazy day.

Yesterday, I spent the day with Mariah at the ROM.

We were in a very quiet area in the Chinese gallery when she told me her good news. I revealed that her mom had sort of told me on fbook, without being specific that Mariah had "BIG.GOOD. NEWS." then she showed me the ring on her finger (I'm trying to not be gossippy because they want to tell people themselves, so I haven't told Dayna or anyone, but I had to write it down and no one reads this haha). And I did a sort of silent, ridiculous squeal that I could not control and hugged her like crazy and then we turned a corner and saw a group getting a tour, they were mad staring at us haha, and we giggled and deeked out of that area. I was so shocked, and I could not stop smiling and squealing and hugging her.

We wandered all the exhibits, but were mostly there to see the Douglas Coupland exhibit. It is incredible, it is so colourful and vivid and each piece is such an interesting representation of creativity, identity, society, technology, human nature... all the things I absolutely love about his writing. It is very inspiring: everywhere is anywhere is anything is everything.

Then we walked all the way back to their place, like a 40 min walk but it was a gorgeous warm day. We stopped at Bulk barn (of course) to pick up candy.

For the rest of the night we hung out with Zach and played hours of GTA haha. It really sucks you in. At one point I flew a blimp, and I jumped out of it without a parachute and watched myself die a gnarly death. It was kind of hilarious.

There was this moment:
Mariah: (trying to remember the name of an actor)... you know, that dude, with the wide-neck
Me: Channing Tatum.

And Zach just laughed and shook his head, and was like: how can you guys do that haha. We finish each others sentences and have so many stories and memories shared. Zach was laughing at us because we would be amazing charades partners. And how have we never really played that with each other?

I love them so much.

In regards to school: it is going, I guess. I haven't been back since the strike. I have just been doing my weekly quizzes from my bed mostly. Basically just have a 10pg paper due on the 29th, and then a 6pg paper due on the 4th. Then an exam sometime in the middle of May. It's not that bad and I think I can deal with it and pull off Bs. Maybe? I don't really care as long as they're not Fs.

THEN SUMMER. And work. And lots of money.

you have always worn your flaws upon your sleeve & I have always buried them deep beneath the ground
Björk: Forgive This Tribe
Today, I have been so sad.

I'm tired from working the wedding last night. My body still aches. And it felt like such a shitty shift. But it really wasn't, I made a lot of money, and nothing got too out of hand (the druggie, drunk bitches got hella annoying, but manageable). I had adequate breaks and we got cleaned up and out of there earlier than we expected. But working with my boss, was really strange and draining. Usually when we do weddings I work with one of the girls, and we end up having a good time, and talk, and find a good rhythm, and manoeuver around each other well. But with K and I, it just feels super awkward, and we don't talk really. And I'm afraid of doing things wrong in front of him. There's just a lot of anxiety and awkwardness no matter how long I've been working there or how capable I am at the job.

And I think we're working together again tonight for the other wedding. Yay.
But... money.

Since waking up, I've just stayed in bed. Reading and listening to music and trying to nap. And crying. And thinking about how lonely and friendless and fat and ugly and disappointing I am.

It's a shitty cycle.

The strike continues. It's so confusing and everyone is mad and getting screwed over. And I don't really care about any of it. I've done a few hours of school work over the 2-3 weeks, and I will be so behind when classes start back up. But honestly, this is the exact fucked up position I would be in if there was no strike and end of year stress was piling up.
I don't feel like doing anything, especially school work, ever again.

The only thing that is somewhat good is that I've been in St.Marys, at home. As much as my parents nag me and we argue, and I constantly pretend that I'm okay when I'm clearly not, it's better for me than being all alone in Toronto. My eating habits are worse here, though. There is just too much food here, always. And it's making me confront my emotional eating, and that is hard.

I definitely need to face my fears and finally see a counsellor and talk to someone about my mental health. It's something that I avoid like the plague, but never goes away.

My physical health is something I've been thinking about a lot lately too. While at home, I really should book a doctor's appointment, but it gives me intense anxiety. I hate doctors and have had bad, panic-attack inducing experiences with them. My skin is terrible, my hair is still falling out like usual, I keep having worries that I have pcos or something like that, I definitely don't get enough protein, iron, calcium, vitamins etc. I bought some new supplements the other day, so now I'm trying to remember to take Vitamin D, B12, Biotin and my multivitamin everyday. Let's hope that will help me feel better, I'm giving it a few weeks,

Saw this quote today when browsing through Sharon Rooney's instagram, hoping for some inspiration or motivation... or something, I think it is amazing:

"I know you're sad, so I won't advise you 'have a good day.' Instead, I advise you to simply 'have a day.' Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet. It'll be better soon. Until then, have a day."

So, let's try to have a day.

There are no cities, no cities to love
Björk: Forgive This Tribe
I've had a really shitty week.


Florida was really great, it was not super warm which was perfect. Being around people so much was intense and overwhelming. But I would just go to bed early and watch shows in bed to keep myself sane. I really didn't have that much quality time with my parents, they golfed a lot, and Steph and I were left to our own devices. The 8 of us golfed 2 days in a row, which killed my body, but was fun and productive. I improved considerably over those rounds. Just have to keep that momentum going this summer. Need to not be a whiny, lazy bitch this summer and get some golfing in. Hanging with Steph was fun, she listens to country, and talks a lot. But is lovely and perfect for getting me out of my shell a little bit. We are planning on going out golfing this summer when she's back in town, she is so strong, like her tee shots go so far sometimes. But she's inconsistent like me and lost so many balls.

Also, I got to talk to my Grandma a bunch because I had the big US phone plan so I had lots of minutes. At the airport when I had the super long unexpected layover, I just called her and got to make sure that papa was okay. He's home and still getting over the pneumonia. But they took his license away, which is good, because he's turning 90 this year and that will be safer if he doesn't drive.

Last weekend was also incredible. Getting to hangout with Mariah, Alicia, Dayna, Jillaine and the boys was so lovely. We drank a lot. We got one of those mini kegs, which was epic. And Bodacious. And we played Cranium. Then their bathroom exploded and that was crazy, we ended up having to run across the street to Tim Horton's to pee, until they closed at 11. Then outdoor peeing haha. Alicia and I slept over and got to hangout intensely with Mariah and Zach the next day. And thrift shopping. I got 2 awesome dresses, one for $10, and one from H&M that has a stain on the bottom that I got for $5. Wooo.

Then this whole week was just horribly depressing. I barely left my room. Didn't go to any classes. Watched a lot of tv shows and listened to podcasts and completely avoided all responsibilities. And then I would wake up in the middle of the night and hyperventilate and cry about all of the stress that I have been avoiding.

The potential strike at my school looms over my head. Part of me would love that shit because I could blame something other than myself for how fucked up and behind and failing I am. But then, the entire semester would be fucked and would go into the summer, depending on how long the strike would go on for, messing up when i would move home and start work. I guess we'll find out tomorrow night/Tuesday morning.

My court date, aka the meeting with the prosecutor, is also this week, Friday, and I am hella stressed. I have my notes but I'm afraid that the wording is wrong and that they will actually charge me. So scary and there's a lot of pressure. Dreading it. Seriously need to do so much research before then.


Yesterday, I cried so much because Linda sent me another really long heartfelt message about Mariah and how much she appreciates me. And I immediately texted Mariah to tell her how much I adore her and support her on this really intense journey that she's on. And we got sappy with each other. It made me cry a lot, not just about Mariah and her mom, but the fact that my own mother and I will never have that kind of relationship. We obviously love each other but the idea of talking to her about my mental/emotional health and sexual health, like Mariah has with her mom, is just so foreign to me. It's not just me that is emotionally reserved, my mom obviously also struggles with this. I got an email from her today and the contrast between Linda's message and hers is striking, my mom is all business and we never really talk, we talk but never about anything of actual substance. And I hate it, but I have no idea where to begin to change this.

Feelings are hard.
Being a grown up is really fucking hard.

Love will keep all of us safe from death
Björk: Forgive This Tribe
I'm stressed and having a really shitty day.

Just talked to my grandma on the phone, my papa is in the hospital with pneumonia, and I hate that I can't be there for my grandma and him. And I'm leaving for Florida on Wednesday, so I'll be even more away from them. I feel helpless and and I just feel so sad and hyper aware of how I can't stand to lose him. But he's going to be 90 years old this year. And old people go into the hospital with pneumonia and die there, that's what my grandma always says about our town's hospital.

I can't focus on my annotated bibliography that's due on wednesday. my TA seems cool about me emailing it to her by the end of the week. I am definitely not going to be done it by Wednesday, but If I put if off too much, I won't want to do it in Florida either.

And packing is stressful. It's just a carry-on but having to sort out my liquids and what I'm allowed to have is making me anxious.

And figuring out how I'm getting to the airport is stressful. My address is kind of hard to find because It's not on a street, it's in a little complex. And I don't know how to explain that to a cab company.

I'm just a mess today.

But I can't be entirely negative, some good things:

Last Sunday and Monday, I spent with Mariah and Zach, it was amazing to spend so much time with them. It was just Mariah and I for most of the afternoon on Sunday, we listened to Bob Marley on vinyl and had really intense talks about health and therapy, then Zach brought us delicious french toast on his break. We went to his restaurant for super bowl drinks, got buzzed, and then later went to shoppers for the snack trifecta. That night we watched Austin Powers and played Trivia Pursuit and drank a big bottle of wine. It snowed a lot, so they told me to sleepover. Brock was gone so I slept in his bed, Mariah texted him being like: do you mind if Rebecca sleeps in your bed? and he responded: I don't mind if she doesn't mind ;) God knows when he washed his sheets last haha. So Mariah made the bed up for me. I slept pretty well considering it is incredibly difficult for me to sleep at other people's places. His 'room', basically just a little nook in zack's studio apartment, is actually pretty great. There's a huge ass industrial window so I watched the snow fall, and Brock's cat snuggled with me. At times he would climb on my chest and just lick my face haha. Like always I woke up early and had to wait for them to wake up.  I read and listened to music and played with the cats which was chill and nice. When they woke up, at noon, Zach made a frittata and a full plate of delicious brunch for us, and we watched Groundhog Day and Mike Tyson Mysteries on Netflix (great show by the way). Then we went to the Salvation Army by their place for some thrift shopping. Then I trekked home. Which took forever because we got lots of snow and transit was mega slow. But overall we had amazing times. I love that girl so much, and I am very fond of Zach. I think they are wonderful together.

Oh, but the best thing ever right now: still no roommate, so it's just me and Rick and Marineth, but I have the bathroom to myself. And during the day I generally have the whole place. It's great.

And Florida will be amazing, I'm stressing, but it will be refreshing and good. I will make it good. Fuck external forces.
Then when I get back, Dayna and Jillaine will be in town and we are going to party with Mariah, which is sooo exciting :)
I need lots of friend times.

OH! Haven't discussed this yet:Vulnicura is spectacular. My Queen B is back. :)


I bet your mother would be proud of you
Björk: Forgive This Tribe

  • I should be reading and making notes for my presentation on Thursday, but I lost all my focus and decided to go to bed and then work really hard tomorrrow. But surprise surprise I can't sleep either.

  • I smell different... It's hard to explain, it's not bad, i showered today, it's just interesting to realise.

  • I've been having vivid flashbacks to my car accident from October. I finally heard from the courts in regard to my early resolution meeting, and I can't do it by phone because I apparently live within 75km of the courthouse. Which google maps says is a lie. But whatever. So my meeting is March 6th, and my dad will be home from Florida to take me. I was going through my notes on the night, I keep being told to be confident and tell them that i don't deserve this charge, but I'm afraid that when I'm actually in the meeting that i will just break down and be like: it's all my fault, i'm sorry etc. I just have a hard time defending myself. Everyone keeps saying that I have a good chance to get the charge lessened, but I'm afraid that it won't. What if I really could've avoided the accident? What if I was distracted? What if I'm really a bad driver? I'm freaking out a little bit, but I think talking to my dad and going through my story will help a lot.

  • I also remember little things from that night that make me smile: our chainsmoking while waiting for the police to show up, our group hug celebrating being alive, flipping off the douchebag driving by the accident who started taking pictures of my fucked up car, the cop who called me a 'smart cookie', the funny tow truck guy who let Matt bring his case of beer, cramming the three of us and all of our bags into the tow truck and Matt having to sit on my lap, Mariah holding my hand for much of the ride home, sleeping over at Mariah's with her family, staying up for hours drinking tea and eating popcorn talking, Linda taking me home the next day and hugging me while I cried and telling me that she was there for me if I needed anything.

  • Today, I had to go on a 'wild goose chase' (uughh) for this dumb textbook that I need for my course and my presentation. I first went to the campus library, they have 1 copy put on reserve (for the 30 students in my class to share) and it was checked out. Even the older edition was checked out. So I went to the bookstore to see if it's finally in stock. Nope. So I checked the Chapters website. Not in stock in any Toronto store. So I check the public library website and they do have it. So I took the hour there and back journey to get it. Super frustrating. I don't know how she expects us all to read the book, if we have no access to it.

  • Kat is moving out. At the end of the month. So I need to put up with her for another week or so. But, yay, happy days! :)

  • Marineth is pregnant which is interesting.

  • My florida trip is becoming more of an anxiety thing for me. Stepheny is coming. We are not super close, but I think it will maybe fun. I just assumed that she would be there at different times than me. I am there the 11th to the 19th, and now she is too, she has basically the same flights as me. I just expected that she would come down on the 14th to the 21st, because her parents won't be there until the 14th. It's a complicated story. I just figured that I would get a few days to myself, with my parents. But no, she copied my plans. So in the house, those first days, it will be my parents, the second couple, the third couple (neither of whom are related to Stepheny), then me and Stepheny, until her parents arrive on the 14th, I just find the whole thing very awkward, and I dont want to share a bedroom with her, I don't want to share a bedroom with anyone. I will likely opt to sleep in the living room, though I can't hide and will have to interact with people constantly... Fhuuuuck. I hate that she's ruined my plans and that I'm being such a dumb baby about this.

  • I'm heading home on the weekend, to check on the house, see my grandparents, and I'll get to see my sister too. I may see if JP wants to chill at some point. I really only saw him once over the holidays at Alicia's bday get-together. And I have intense amounts of work to do for school, blahhhh.

That's about it, I think.

I don't think I'll make it hanging here another day
Björk: Forgive This Tribe
So I've been back in Toronto for a week, and I really haven't done anything. I went to 2/3 of my classes. Which is great for me. And I was all ready to go to the other one until I checked the weather and saw it was -20 and over -30 windchill. Nope. So I stayed in bed.

But my classes will be good I think. I say this every semester and it ends up going to shit. But I wanna try harder to be better and more focused, and do most of my readings and actually go to class. We'll see how it goes.

Ugh. Kat, the roommate from hell, is being an obnoxious cunt (again). So she had her dude friend (possibly bf, don't know, don't care) over for dinner last night. Then they came back up to her room, and I could hear her talking but didn't hear him for a really long time, and then realised that she was on the phone. She was literally on the phone, gossipping for well over half an hour, while her dude friend was just sitting there in her room. How rude. Pretty sure she either quit her job or got fired cause she's around a lot more than usual. Generally she'd be gone from about 9 until 6 at night. I didn't hear her this morning so I thought she was gone, and I was dancing around my room with my ipod, really hope she couldn't hear me, that would be embarrassing haha.

So I am getting really excited for my trip to Florida, it is a month away. I keep researching stuff for my trip. I've never flown alone before, so it will be an adventure. But I like/need to be overly prepared. I'm glad my parents convinced me to fly with just a carry-on, that eliminates a lot of stress. They're driving down this week, and before I left home, I packed a bag of stuff for them to take down for me.

Ironically, I've been really obsessed with the song Florida by Kitty.

I don't think I'll make it hanging here another day
I wanna get spirited away
Every time I'm near it I run clear the other way
And disappear and never stay, I'm spirited away

This verse gets me every time:

Bitter and sad is how I'm feeling, like I'm celery
And I could draw the pattern on my ceiling from my memory
I grow balls to show up at all my old fave places
Deep breaths, Kitty, very brave face, chest out
Remind myself I deserve this
Even though they'll be whispering that I'm worthless
My mama says to show 'em what I'm made of
But they already know it all and that's what i'm afraid of

Need to finish this reading on environmtental justice and racism and go to class
Need to call Grandma
Need to socialise in and outside of my house
Need to eat healthy



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