All Is Full Of Love

[all around you]

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There are no cities, no cities to love
Björk: Forgive This Tribe
I've had a really shitty week.


Florida was really great, it was not super warm which was perfect. Being around people so much was intense and overwhelming. But I would just go to bed early and watch shows in bed to keep myself sane. I really didn't have that much quality time with my parents, they golfed a lot, and Steph and I were left to our own devices. The 8 of us golfed 2 days in a row, which killed my body, but was fun and productive. I improved considerably over those rounds. Just have to keep that momentum going this summer. Need to not be a whiny, lazy bitch this summer and get some golfing in. Hanging with Steph was fun, she listens to country, and talks a lot. But is lovely and perfect for getting me out of my shell a little bit. We are planning on going out golfing this summer when she's back in town, she is so strong, like her tee shots go so far sometimes. But she's inconsistent like me and lost so many balls.

Also, I got to talk to my Grandma a bunch because I had the big US phone plan so I had lots of minutes. At the airport when I had the super long unexpected layover, I just called her and got to make sure that papa was okay. He's home and still getting over the pneumonia. But they took his license away, which is good, because he's turning 90 this year and that will be safer if he doesn't drive.

Last weekend was also incredible. Getting to hangout with Mariah, Alicia, Dayna, Jillaine and the boys was so lovely. We drank a lot. We got one of those mini kegs, which was epic. And Bodacious. And we played Cranium. Then their bathroom exploded and that was crazy, we ended up having to run across the street to Tim Horton's to pee, until they closed at 11. Then outdoor peeing haha. Alicia and I slept over and got to hangout intensely with Mariah and Zach the next day. And thrift shopping. I got 2 awesome dresses, one for $10, and one from H&M that has a stain on the bottom that I got for $5. Wooo.

Then this whole week was just horribly depressing. I barely left my room. Didn't go to any classes. Watched a lot of tv shows and listened to podcasts and completely avoided all responsibilities. And then I would wake up in the middle of the night and hyperventilate and cry about all of the stress that I have been avoiding.

The potential strike at my school looms over my head. Part of me would love that shit because I could blame something other than myself for how fucked up and behind and failing I am. But then, the entire semester would be fucked and would go into the summer, depending on how long the strike would go on for, messing up when i would move home and start work. I guess we'll find out tomorrow night/Tuesday morning.

My court date, aka the meeting with the prosecutor, is also this week, Friday, and I am hella stressed. I have my notes but I'm afraid that the wording is wrong and that they will actually charge me. So scary and there's a lot of pressure. Dreading it. Seriously need to do so much research before then.


Yesterday, I cried so much because Linda sent me another really long heartfelt message about Mariah and how much she appreciates me. And I immediately texted Mariah to tell her how much I adore her and support her on this really intense journey that she's on. And we got sappy with each other. It made me cry a lot, not just about Mariah and her mom, but the fact that my own mother and I will never have that kind of relationship. We obviously love each other but the idea of talking to her about my mental/emotional health and sexual health, like Mariah has with her mom, is just so foreign to me. It's not just me that is emotionally reserved, my mom obviously also struggles with this. I got an email from her today and the contrast between Linda's message and hers is striking, my mom is all business and we never really talk, we talk but never about anything of actual substance. And I hate it, but I have no idea where to begin to change this.

Feelings are hard.
Being a grown up is really fucking hard.


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