All Is Full Of Love

[all around you]

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you have always worn your flaws upon your sleeve & I have always buried them deep beneath the ground
Björk: Forgive This Tribe
Today, I have been so sad.

I'm tired from working the wedding last night. My body still aches. And it felt like such a shitty shift. But it really wasn't, I made a lot of money, and nothing got too out of hand (the druggie, drunk bitches got hella annoying, but manageable). I had adequate breaks and we got cleaned up and out of there earlier than we expected. But working with my boss, was really strange and draining. Usually when we do weddings I work with one of the girls, and we end up having a good time, and talk, and find a good rhythm, and manoeuver around each other well. But with K and I, it just feels super awkward, and we don't talk really. And I'm afraid of doing things wrong in front of him. There's just a lot of anxiety and awkwardness no matter how long I've been working there or how capable I am at the job.

And I think we're working together again tonight for the other wedding. Yay.
But... money.

Since waking up, I've just stayed in bed. Reading and listening to music and trying to nap. And crying. And thinking about how lonely and friendless and fat and ugly and disappointing I am.

It's a shitty cycle.

The strike continues. It's so confusing and everyone is mad and getting screwed over. And I don't really care about any of it. I've done a few hours of school work over the 2-3 weeks, and I will be so behind when classes start back up. But honestly, this is the exact fucked up position I would be in if there was no strike and end of year stress was piling up.
I don't feel like doing anything, especially school work, ever again.

The only thing that is somewhat good is that I've been in St.Marys, at home. As much as my parents nag me and we argue, and I constantly pretend that I'm okay when I'm clearly not, it's better for me than being all alone in Toronto. My eating habits are worse here, though. There is just too much food here, always. And it's making me confront my emotional eating, and that is hard.

I definitely need to face my fears and finally see a counsellor and talk to someone about my mental health. It's something that I avoid like the plague, but never goes away.

My physical health is something I've been thinking about a lot lately too. While at home, I really should book a doctor's appointment, but it gives me intense anxiety. I hate doctors and have had bad, panic-attack inducing experiences with them. My skin is terrible, my hair is still falling out like usual, I keep having worries that I have pcos or something like that, I definitely don't get enough protein, iron, calcium, vitamins etc. I bought some new supplements the other day, so now I'm trying to remember to take Vitamin D, B12, Biotin and my multivitamin everyday. Let's hope that will help me feel better, I'm giving it a few weeks,

Saw this quote today when browsing through Sharon Rooney's instagram, hoping for some inspiration or motivation... or something, I think it is amazing:

"I know you're sad, so I won't advise you 'have a good day.' Instead, I advise you to simply 'have a day.' Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet. It'll be better soon. Until then, have a day."

So, let's try to have a day.


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