I was wondering if after all these years...
Yeah. It's been a while.
But it's March again, which means essay time. The time when I hate myself and can't focus and can't do shit the most. And need livejournal the most. Because I'm still so dumb that I still haven't dealt with any of my problems, and can't seem to vocalise any of them.
I've been stuck in some pretty problematic depression and anxiety and loneliness lately. I've never been alone this long at my house and it is kinda driving me crazy. The silence at times feels deafening (sometimes quiet is violent) and I've definitely had a few panic attacks. Mostly I just stay in bed because everything is too hard.
These essays really snuck up on me and the urgency and importance of them is making me want to cry. The fact that if I don't pass this one year long course then I'm stuck doing another full year, my plan now is that I can finish this fall HOPEFULLY.
I feel super distant from my friends, for some reason. In actuality they are closer geographically than ever, but I guess I'm the one that is too closed off and can't seem to discuss any of my true feelings. They are the most amazing supportive people yet I still can't. They all seem to be doing so well, in jobs/school stuff and just so much more positive, and it's really hard for me to keep pretending that I'm fine.
I may try to write more later, it's nice to return to this.
I posted in /r/depression for the first time last night and that was pretty momumental. Reading about other people who feel trapped and alone etc. doesn't make me feel better necessarily but it definitely makes me realise that I'm not alone in this. And seeing people at varying points of the journey, is almost empowering me to think that I might feel better someday.
- sink my teeth in the sheets and taste the emptiness