All Is Full Of Love

[all around you]

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It's the sparkle you become when you conquer anxiety
Björk: Forgive This Tribe
I've been feeling really conflicted and moody. Trying to be more positive and less of an asshole to my parents, and give less fucks about what people think of me in general. Sort of a contradiction, or maybe not. But it's so fucking hard.

I think about what people think of me, concerning the fact that I'm still living at home, in the place where I grew up. I have this feeling like people constantly judge me about this. But no one ever fucking tells you how hard it is to be a grown up and how hard depression and anxiety can hit you when you're already crippled by loneliness and prone to isolation. And maybe I'm better, maybe I'm healthier at home. Maybe not. Maybe it's only a distraction, and I'm avoiding what's wrong. And of course, I can't do that forever. But I feel better and I take care of myself more here, I think. And that is good, at least.

That's only a very small percentage of the things that go through my head of what people think of me/judge me for.

My body is of course still my biggest point of internal conflict and insecurity. I go from hating myself and thinking that I'm the ugliest, fattest piece of shit ever, like in the entire world. Which is so illogical, because obviously I'm not. But that is sometimes what runs through my head.

Then I watch body pos videos and cry because I'm nowhere near that confident, and fear I never will get to that point.

But eventually, I think I will. I wore shorts (bermuda haha) the other day to work, something so seemingly insignificant made a lot of difference. Big step, or tiny step, essentially. But baby steps are everything. Must appreciate that.

Work is good, only worked 36 hours this past week which is cray, not hating it though. Disregard my last post, I was being silly about it. New guy is decent and I didn't want that job anyways.
Summer course is good, 92% on midterm1, 83% on midterm2, need to just grind out my final on June 24th and I'll be good!
Fall courses are selected, fit 4 courses into 2 days, monday and thursday. Rad, and if I can't handle it, I will drop one and fucking suck it up and do it in the winter semester. Because fuck it. It's my pussy, I can do what I want... Hmm, Imma big girl now (ahahaa, not sure why I just started singing that in my head... God, that needs to be my internal anthem right now)
TV is great (obviously): Orphan Black has been killlling it this season, super into it, sad that we're at the finale already. Super into the eps of Preacher that have aired. Dark Matter and Killjoys are coming back soon! OitNB is back soon too I think, pretty sure I should rewatch the past season haha. Watching so much South Park, I'm onto season 4, doing it in chronological order is so interesting. What else... need to get back onto the Penny Dreadful train.
That's about it.
Oh, really want to go golfing this week, maybe Thursday!

This is a great message from one of my favourite fat bitches on youtube, need to keep repeating this to myself:

Fuck them, for life
You're the shit, forever


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