All Is Full Of Love

[all around you]

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I am happy, that's just the saddest lie
Björk: Forgive This Tribe
I've had a few really upsetting, frustrating days at work.

E masquerades his assholery and douchebaggery as consideration and generosity, fuck that. And he gets to come in 4 hours early for his shift and tell me to go home early, fuck that. He gets to walk around bragging about how he taught us all how to be friendly and give good customer service, fuck that times infinity.

I am working on an email for our GM discussing this and the issues that I have with the fact that they have contradictorally cut our hours down, yet still have E work 50+ hour weeks. So they're paying that dude overtime while the rest of us are getting barely 30-35 hours on average.

My dad and I are also so annoyed with how fucking stupid they can be around there, with how they've organised the upcoming tournaments. Ughhh.

But that's enough of talking shop.

I read something today about what someone called High Functioning Anxiety ( and it felt like a complete representation of me right now, unlike me when I'm in school. I always go to work, I never just skip or call in sick, I don't make excuses, I don't let my anxiety fuck with my work life, at least while I'm working. I take that shit home with me and obsess over it. I'm not quite as highly functioning outside of work. I just become an anxious mess and can't get much done most of the time. But it's always so overwhelming when someone writes about anxiety in a way where I'm like... That's my life. So often, I get into these mindsets where illogically I think I'm alone in this, and it gives me a lot of mixed emotions when someone sums up a lot of my feelings, good and bad.

This is something that really stood out to me:

It's silent anxiety attacks, hidden by smiles.
It’s always being busy but also always avoiding, so important things don’t get done. It’s letting things pile up rather than admitting you’re overwhelmed or in need of help.

It’s that sharp pang of saying the wrong thing, the one that starts the cycles of thoughts. Because you said too much, and nobody cares, and it makes you never want to speak up again.
It’s going back and forth between everyone else has it together but you, and so many people have it tougher than you.
Get your act together.
Suck it up.
You’re not OK, you’re messing everything up.
You’re totally OK, stop being such a baby.
It’s waking up in the middle of the night sobbing because the worst-case-scenario that just went through your head at high speed seems so real, so vivid, that even when it’s proven to be untrue, it takes hours for your heart to slow down, to feel calm again.

I've been blowing off my friends a lot lately and it makes me feel shitty. But mostly I feel stressed and sad, and don't want to be around people. And also I don't want to make anyone have to spend time with me when I'm this way. I haven't really been drinking very much these days, and sometimes I feel really awkward to be around people drinking and smoking. I should be used to it by now haha.

Sunday was really nice, I went to Grand Bend with Dayna and Jillaine, and we hungout at the beach and wandered around and stuff for a while. It was relaxing, and exhausting, spending that much time in the sun does that to me.

Anyways, I'm distracting myself by watching copious amounts of tv shows: Killjoys, Preacher, South Park, Orange is the New Black.
And I made a strawberry cheesecake.
So at least I have that going for me.


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